Saturday, October 14, 2006

Confessions of an Evil Mother

Dear Diary,

Well that's at least how this blog is turning out. Tonight I went to bed and started thinking. Where has my heart gone? Why do I feel the way I do? I am speaking of Motherhood. I am laying here thinking why did I get myself into this in the first place. I love my daughter but lately I don't like her. She is arrogant, rude, and obnoxious (she is only 4). I love her more then life its self but tonight I want to get on a train and not come home. So now I am thinking what am I going to do with another one? Do I really want to get up every two hours to feed a child that will in the end not like a thing I cook? Will I be able to handle two when I can barely handle one? Why do I feel so lost? At night I worry. I worry that I am a horrible person for wanting to leave all this behind and be child myself again. I want to be the one bouncing around happy as a lark demanding what I believe I deserve instead of being the one avoiding getting hit by a flying foot or hearing the incessant voice that never ends. Where did I go wrong why am I not loving this? Did someone forget to give me the mommy gene? I seem to have lost my humanity. If you find it, if you could please return it to me post hast I would greatly appreciate it.

3 comments:

Suzer said...

Honey, you are not an evil mother. You are just a mom who is trying to do her best, and Rose is just a four year old who can't think of anyother way of expressing her feeling.

She will grow out of it, you will grow more confident in your ability to be a mother and one day you can bring up all the obnoxious things she said and did when her prom date shows up to take her out.

Try video taping her in a rage and let her see how rediculous she really sounds and maybe she'll try another tactic. If it doesn't work, it'll make for great humilating home movies when she's older!

JBTW said...

I remember you telling me several times that you were born to be a mother. Don't doubt that.
It may be going rough these days, and that is discouraging, but it will come to an end. You just need to be patient.
Take some time for yourself -- if need be, use that time in the middle of the night when you can't sleep.
Most of all, be kind to yourself ... telling yourself negative thoughts & putting yourself down only makes it harder. One of my college prof.s would say something along the lines of: 'Guilt only has a purpose if it motivates you to change'. So, if it's not a source of motivation, lose the guilt. You're the only one who can hear your thoughts -- so be cocky & praise yourself for all that you accomplish -- being a mom is a tough job.
Be true to yourself. Be happy.

I wish you were close enough to reach out and give you a hug.

Anonymous said...

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a bad mother too...

Er, father.

People say they love their kids, but really they don't. Really they want to trick others into having kids so that they have somebody to secretly console with. Kids are evil. All of them. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

The truth is out there.