Sunday, July 16, 2006

Screams of an infertile woman

This posting will not be judge negatively! Why, because I just emotionally can not take it. I have had it up to here. I am sick and tired of being infertile. Because unlike most of you dear readers I can not just pick a month, decide yes that is when I would like to be pregnant and *bam* 4 weeks later I am. No, I get to struggle 3 years and three miscarriages to get my beautiful daughter. And then I get to try 3 years later only to give my self a life threatening disease that will never go away (intercranial hypertension). I have the scar to prove it. I then wait another year only to have three infertility treatments not work. So I come to you in pure desperation. I am fed up and angry and upset and so on. I sit here thinking that Rose will never know the joy of having a sibling to love and hate. Someone to play with and gang up on and with. These thoughts bring me to tears. So on Wednesday we go back in to the waiting game that is infertility. I have an appointment with repromed an infertility clinic here in Adelaide to discuss where we go from here. We have been trying off and on now for a year with no luck and I have had it up to here with my body. Why am I not typing this to you some of you personally well because... your all pregnant or with new babies. I don't want to say anything that may upset you in anyway but I'm jealous. The green eyed monster has reared his ugly head and I am embracing it with open arms. This might sound horrible but I have tried ignoring it but it won't go away. So I am embracing my anger in hopes that I will find another way of dealing with this. Some of you may not know that it took over three years to get Rose. In the end we lost her twin and nearly lost her in was a very complicated delivery. Some of you were even at this wonderful and frustrating event. (Ps I still love you all for being there.) But for now I am at my ungrateful limit. Yes I should be happy with what I got. I have a beautiful and healthy 4 year old who is smarter then some 8 year olds. But me I want it all! I want another baby so send me your voodoo, your hoodo or whatever it is you do! I have gone off my rocker folks and I don't plan to get back on unless I get my way (DAMNIT). Yes I am 2 years old now shut up and pass the sippy cup! Please, post only complimentary comments that do not include but are not excluded to the following sentences just be patient and it will work or if you just stop thinking about it or perhaps it isn't in Gods plan, you don't want to piss off the infertile women!

8 comments:

Suzer said...

I slaughted two squirrels, a black crow and a hedgehog, burned them in a ceremonial fire and hung the feet over my door in a fertility hex just for you. Let me know if that doesn't work because I have a groundhog under my shed I'm itching to get rid of. {Hugs and kisses}

Daisy said...

I love you Casey!

JBTW said...

I'm not going to make you read the comments you mentioned.

I will say this... 'Only children' turn out okay too/or just as twisted as 'multiple kid families' (depending on your perspective!). An only child can end up developing more meaningful relationships with friends -- those people are family that you get to pick! Plus don't put thoughts in her head that she's lacking in something. Cause she's not, she has your love. That's all she needs. (Don't need to pay for therapy bills discussing "my mom said...")

If you want another kid for you, then that's great, because you're the one that will care for it. But don't stress out that you're depriving Rose of something. You'll only do that if you teach her to believe that. Yes kids will say, I want a brother/sister... I'm sure they also say, 'send them back!' :)

If the pregnancy thing isn't working for you, why not adopt?

Random other thought: Did you watch 'Skeleton Key'? Voodoo, or hoodoo makes me think of that.

I'm done. (Sorry for the rant.)

Anonymous said...

Here's what you do:

1. Divorce your husband. Or better yet, help him along with an untimely demise.

2. Go on a reality TV show. Make sure you make a play for sympathy after the awful things that happened to you in step 1. (Wink, wink.)

3. Meet a rich guy with a passel kids from a previous marriage. If he has a housekeeper named Alice, all the better.

4. If that doesn't quite do it, use his wealth to get the latest space age fertility treatment. If money can't buy happiness, it can at least make a downpayment.

5. Live happily ever after.

(See what brothers and sisters do to a perfectly good brain!)

Morgan said...

okay which of my lovely siblings wrote the last comment? Cuz I love it.

Ps, I would adopt!

I do not tell Rose she is lacking cuz of no siblings. I just loved haveing a sister and brother.

e4 said...

I loved not having a sister or brother. :)

Well, except when something got broken or went missing. The dog could only take so much blame...

Sorry about your frustration. It shows how much you care that you're willing to voluntarily be subjected all of it again. But as a very ugly man once said, "You can't always get what you want." But you deserve it, so I hope you do get what you want.

PS - You're not alone. I know a relative who just had a miscarriage, but I'm not supposed to have known, so I can't even really be there for them. I also know somebody at work who lost her sister and now she's in a custody battle for the 4-year-old son with his long-lost deadbeat dad. Sometimes life just sucks for a while. I know that doesn't help much...

Courtney said...

I am sending you hugs during your time of frustration. I understand how frustrating and upsetting this whole journey can be. I too have been dealing with infertility. After about 2 years I finally got pregnant, but it was ectopic.

There are so many crack heads out there that seem to have no problem getting pregnant. Why is it so hard for us, who would be great parents, to concieve and deliver a healthy baby?

Good luck!

Nikki said...

I wish you guys the best of luck, I really do. I used to wish I had a sibling when I was a kid, but watching the way siblings fight, I've often been thankful for my 'single' childhood. And I turned out ok (twitch, twitch - just kidding). :)

Jackie decided a number of years ago that she wants kids and she's going to adopt them. Maybe I complained a bit when I was pregnant with Cameron (lol), but she has NO interest in bearing children! Hey, even Angelina has adopted, so you'd be in good company. But even though I can logic that there's lots of kids who need good homes, I personally understand the emotional side of it all too. I'll be sending good energy to your belly. :) - Nikki