Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Gaining peace after infertility.

For the first time in over 15 years I can see a pregnant women with out turning into a puddle of tears.  For years I would look longingly at their swollen bellies and think I wish that as me.  I wish I could get pregnant.  I wish and wish and wish some more.  I did everything imaginable to try and get pregnant.  Lay with your hips on pillow  (check) Lay for 30 min with out moving (check) eat this diet and not this one, drink this tea, eat this herb, think positive, listen to guided meditation, have surgery, take medicine, do IUI and so on for 15 years off and on again I did all those things and more.   I have successfully gotten pregnant 6 times but only carried to term twice. 

   Yesterday I was a the museum with my daughters class.  The last time we where here she was just a baby.  I looked around and everywhere I looked I saw pregnant women.  You know what?  I was OKAY.  I didn't cry or think why not me?  I smiled and was happy for them.  I was happy for me.  I looked and saw potential birth mothers.  In my head and heart I wished them well and thought good thoughts not jealous ones.  I can get the call from a friend saying I'm pregnant and not need 3 days to recover.  I feel well whole.

  I am finally OK with my fertility journey.  I am more then OK, I'm GREAT.  I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders that no matter what happens I have done my best and will continue to work towards that one more child that I want.  I look forward to growing older, to meeting my new child who may or may not be out there right now.   I see hope and love everywhere I look.  To you going through infertility and thinking I will never feel whole EVER again.  I say to you YES YOU WILL.  I never in a million years thought I could feel the way I do about my life.   I feel at peace with my fertility. 

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